Beginning Again

I feel I need to apologize for being silent so long. Here’s a bouquet of kittens to make up for it:

So, a little while ago I talked with a friend from the US who I hadn’t spoken to in many months – since before Stephen was diagnosed with cancer.  She didn’t know about any of it, and I had to go through it for her…reliving it. The next week I found myself crying at everything, and I just felt so raw…unbalanced. I felt as if I didn’t have any skin on. I lost track of time – just away with the fairies for hours at a time. I wandered around the house aimlessly, and I couldn’t hold onto a thought.

What I didn’t realize is that I had gone back to the very beginning in recounting it for my friend. For me, it was as if Stephen had just died yesterday. At the time, I didn’t see the need to recount it on the blog, I figured I had already written it – I’ve been through this already. It’s taken me some weeks to  work through it again.

This journey is two steps forward and three steps back. It’s not at all linear… which I am just discovering. AND, apparently it will keep happening – every time I have to recount it for someone, I’ll be right back in that place…which really sucks, because that is NOT someplace I feel like revisiting. The psychologist tells me that every time it happens I will bounce back quicker. Yay? Even the thought of being back there makes me cry, and saps my will to live.

A very wise woman suggested to me today that I should share this, that someone is going to find it useful. It made perfect sense as soon as she said it – part of the reason I started this blog is to share my journey through this thorny, dark wilderness. Backwards, and forward, and everything in between.

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Cecelia - Too Young A Widow

African-American-Australian. A recent widow, attempting to navigate my way through the grieving process, blogging about pain,loss and love. I hope by sharing my journey, it will help others going through it to not feel so alone.

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