One of the reasons I love being married is that I don’t have to play the dating game anymore.
However, there was a time when I thought I would die alone and wrinkly.
As a rehabilitated “nice guy” I’m here to offer some hope for anyone stuck in the dating morass.
Nice Guy Syndrome
First, some quick background. I grew up with military parents, strict discipline, attended church and was raised to be chivalrous.
You know, holding doors, pulling out chairs and all that – a modern day knight in shining armor wannabe.
And I was good at it.
I was a goodie-two-shoes and parents loved me. The catch is that the ideal type of guy parents want their teenage daughter to bring home rarely actually gets brought home.
High School Dating Purgatory
Needless to say I didn’t date much in high school. Like at all. You see, when I hit puberty this wonderful genre of Christian books on dating started hitting the bestseller list and ruined my life.
That’s right, I’m talking about Joshua Harris and friends. I kissed dating goodbye and never kissed a girl until my freshman year of college.
Now, I’m not saying would have rather been a teenage Casanova, but at least one high school sweetheart would have been nice. Instead I had a pity date for senior prom. Ugh.
Anyway, back to the cure for being a nice guy.
The nice guy has 3 big problems.
1. Friend Zone
The friend zone is the dreaded place of brotherly love all nice guys loathe. It means you will endure coffee faux dates, talks about movies and maybe even trips to the mall or a baseball game without ever a glimmer of hope for a kiss goodnight. The nice guy is the buddy, the bro, the never-risk-the-friendship-for-something-more dude. The friend zone sucks unless that’s your destination in the first place.
A nice guy’s favorite pass time is to complain about it. Whining about the friend zone and pining away for the object of his affection. Very attractive, right ladies? Yeah, not so much. A nice guy moaning his time away about being a nice guy will repel girls faster than smelly gym socks. Okay, maybe not that bad, but pretty close.
The trouble with a nice guy is that often times he simply doesn’t know how to become more than friends. This is where being brought up or having a natural disposition to be chivalrous is not enough. Good manners, a clean haircut and engaging conversation only go so far. To borrow a concept from Blast from the Past (always a good decision), there is a difference between a nice guy and a good man.
Nice guys, it’s mostly your fault that you’re in the friend zone. You know why? Words. You might have respectful, funny and intelligent down pat. There is just one word you are missing.
If you don’t want to be in the friend zone you are going to have to do something about it. The solution isn’t necessarily easy, especially in you fear rejection, but it is simple. You’re going to need to man up and ask the lady out. GASP!!
From my time battling the friend zone and watching nice guys futilely pursue young ladies I’ve found that the common denominator for the dudes is failure to take initiative. A woman will not go on a date with you unless you ask her.
Seems logical, right? We’ll get into types of dates in a follow up post, but it boils down to the nice guy manning up and having the confidence to risk rejection.
If she says “no” move on. If you can’t tolerate the friend zone then let her go. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Question: Men – are you a nice guy stuck in a rut? Ladies – any tips you can offer the nice guys?
EdiTOR’s Note: Our family recently delivered our third child. As such, some blogging buddies of mine have graciously offered to write a series of guest posts to allow my family to spend a little time together – away from this blog. I’m deeply grateful for such friends, and I hope you enjoy their writing!
Today’s guest post comes from KC Procter, who is a self-proclaimed “…regular Christian dude, husband, father, MBA & cubicle ninja…” sharing the adventure to becoming great. He blogs about tidbits from the trenches of fatherhood over at SomeWiseGuy.com and you can find him on Twitter @ThatGuyKC.