Open Letter to the Apple iPhone5

Dear Apple iPhone5,

A lot of people have been waiting for your arrival this week – which is fine but at the risk of upsetting the Applecart I have to ask….do we really need you Apple iPhone5?

Supposedly, you’re the greatest thing since sliced Apple bread – but based on Apple’s tendency for overblown marketing hyperbole I suspect that you haven’t actually fallen that far from your most recent Appletree product the iPhone4S.

Just so we’re clear “5″ (is it ok if I call you 5???), I’m no technology wonk and I’m not trying to pick a fight, I’m just trying to pick through the bushel of existing Apple iPhones that are already available.

With all due respect 5, you seem more like a placeholder product for Apple rather than a pace setter.

I don’t want to hurt your feelings 5, but here are five other “fives” that I think I prefer to you:

1. Five Guys Burger and Fries – The greasy deliciousness of this burger chain’s grocery-bag-O-fries and addictively-flavored patties is unmatched in the constellation of speedy carnivore eateries.
2. Maroon 5  -  While I’m not a fan per se, I do like their Moves Like Jagger track – the song has a funky “phat” backbeat that you can dance to (I think that’s how the kids these days would describe it).
3. Five Alive Fruit Juice  – This delectable drink was a refreshing assemblage of citrus fruit juices from my childhood that could beat the snot out of Sunny D and Capri-Sun, and is currently only available in the U.K.
4. Five Little Monkeys – This classic ditty of primate shenanigans, fractured skulls and broken box springs is a fond transcendent reminder of the risk-reward decisions of childhood bed-jumping gymnastics.
5. Hawaii Five-0 (old school) – I’m of course referring to the original Five-o series from the 1970s and 80s with the well-coiffed Jack Lord as inspector Steve Garrett. The recent redux of Danno, Kono and Chin is fine but the original Five-o set an incredibly high bar within the police show genre. I mean guns, palm trees, pig roasts and surfing – what’s not to love!

Just to reiterate, while I’m sure you’re great and all that 5, I think we may have already seen Apple’s “secret sauce” before and your ballyhooed launch smacks more of plain old Applesauce.

It’s difficult to imagine you’re the best Apple, when you seem to merely be the shiniest Apple.

Sincerely,

PC Guy

Question: What other types of “fives” need to be added to this list?

“Leaked” iPhone5 image…courtesy of Apple

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Tor Constantino - The Daily Retort

A topical blog that focuses on issues of faith, family, finance and fitness. I have more than 20 years experience as a former journalist and current PR practitioner. Additionally, I'm a father, husband, marathoner, writer and believer.

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