Violence is a word that no matter how it is uttered sends shivers down my spine, the thought of the damage thatviolence leaves is incomprehensible to me. It’s not a word that can be softened to suit the surrounding context. It is a word that begets the destruction of whatever it comes into contact with.
Yes the topic is violence against women but we should not forget that violence affects children as well as men, no one is safe from it and no one can run from it, least of all those that become the victims of it.
Violence isn’t just about the physical it’s about the emotional and it’s not just about the person, it’s about everybody they come into contact with. It’s not just about blatantly bringing someone to the brink of death, it’s wherever it starts and the little acts of insignificance easily get pushed aside as flippantly as the remarks or punches that are thrown.
Hundreds and thousands of men, women and children, undergo acts of violence on a daily basis. You might think it would be easy to spot them but would you recognise the signs and would you be able to understand who is the abuser? and who is the victim?
I’ll give you 3 scenarios based on real facts; see if you can spot them?
1. Jenny is a confident, successful woman, she has worked hard for her career. Her husband Mark is an artist and when she fell pregnant being the major breadwinner in the family they made the decision that she would continue to work and he would look after the baby, then the other 2 babies when they arrived. Several years of looking after the children means that Mark has abandoned any hopes of his work and can no longer get a job, he feels undermined and second best to Jenny’s high flying career and she takes for granted that his needs are surrounded by what’s best for the family. Neither would leave the marriage as they both depend on each other but evenings are filled with screaming, shouting, and often attacks of great aggression. They both drink but one is to relieve tension the other is to relieve the abuse that flies. Do you know who the victim is here?
You could make your decision based on very few facts but if I was to tell you that the last recorded police record for Jenny and Mark saw them both in hospital, Mark with a head injury caused by a blunt object that nearly killed him. The police automatically assumed that this was self defence from his wife and involved a female officer to provide counselling. However on further investigation Mark was covered in bruises, scratches and bite marks across his back, legs and arms and it was revealed that Mark had been a victim of domestic abuse for years, his love for his family and the mental as well as physical abuse had prevented him from having the confidence to stand up for himself and walk away.
2. Sasha is the eldest of 2 children from a single parent family, both children are often in hospital, the system has put them on the warning register as they are both frequently covered in bruises and cuts made with sharp implements and the younger child, Joe has a recorded history of broken arms and a broken wrist. The medical notes state that Joe fell down the stairs, as an unstable toddler this didn’t seem to raise too many eyebrows and the children were still left in the care of their mother. Sasha dotes on her younger brother when they are in hospital and the two seem exceptionally close clinging to each other but Joe is registered as a late developer, he hasn’t spoken yet but he is only 3 years old. Do you know who the victim is here?
Joe and Sasha were an unusual case but not an uncommon one. The children were eventually removed from their mother, who was a weak person, often racked with guilt and who did nothing to help herself. When the children were removed the abuse and violence they suffered did not stop, in fact it progressed to an elevated state where Joe was admitted to the emergency ward when he was punched so hard in the throat that he stopped breathing and Sasha was found bleeding from several places across her body. Unbeknown to the children, the home that was caring for them had CCTV, and it was shockingly revealed that the abuser was Sasha and not only was she systematically beating her brother but she was also self harming. The story doesn’t stop there; it’s not as straight forward as that. Further investigations found that both children were being abused by a ‘family friend’ that was looking after them whilst their mother worked. This person was still allowed access to them once they were removed from their mother as it was deemed to give them some comfort to have contact with someone they trusted. Sasha’s actions were an attempt to get her and her brother away from the torment and abuse they were suffering on a regular basis because when she was in the hospital she felt safe.
3. Tina lives with her boyfriend, David they have been together since she was 16 and he was 25. Her parents idolise David, at first they were sceptical because of Tina’s age but over time they came to realise that David would do anything for Tina. He makes a decent living and supports them both, Tina is classed as lazy by her friends and parents as David does everything and she has made no attempt to find work or continue her studies and when family have helped her to get a job, she is often late or doesn’t turn up. Over time she has disconnected from them and shut herself away. On the occasions that she does see her family, she is constantly clock watching as if she is bored and often makes excuses not to visit. Is there anything strange about this?
You may think not but one of Tina’s oldest friends returned from travelling and desperate to hook up again just dropped by one day. She enjoyed the visit and had a wonderful time catching up, when it got to 4pm, Tina made excuses that she wasn’t feeling well and Val noticed that Tina’s personality changed, she became fretful, anxious and desperately was cleaning everything up trying to get things back in order. This was not what Val expected to see, especially as Tina’s family had said she did nothing. Val felt something was wrong and kept the visits going for as long as she could, trying to understand whether there was something deeper happening. On occasions, she would notice Tina had been crying and after several months Val persuaded her to come and visit, saying the break will do her good. The visit was arranged but never happened, all contact with Tina stopped and Val was unable to reach her in any way.
Concerned at what had been happening Val spoke to Tina’s parents who pushed it all off saying that Tina was an attention seeker and lazy, she was fine and Val shouldn’t worry about her.
Val unconvinced drove back to Tina’s, it was 7.30pm and when she got there the front door was slightly open. She could hear shouting and smashing and she called the police. When the police got there Tina was lying face down in the middle of the room, half beaten to death. Her face unrecognisable and she was barely conscious. Tina had been a victim of domestic violence for her whole adult life and having always been with David felt there was no avenue for escape and as investigations were conducted, discussions revealed that she felt she deserved the punishment that was dished out to her. Without Val’s pursing the feeling of something wasn’t right Tina would of more than likely been a victim for the rest of her life.
Domestic violence and abuse is not always as straight forward as people perceive them to be. People including young people often take drastic measures to remove themselves from the situation, even to the point of suicide. As much as it is easy to live in ignorance and pretend that it doesn’t happen, it does! Only when people recognise the signs and we work towards preventing those from hurting and provide the help that is needed to remove those that are hurt can we start to take a proper stand against violence and the devastation it brings and leaves behind.
This post is written as part of the One Wee Voice Awareness of Violence Against Women Campaign.
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Thank you for your in-depth article about the complexities of Domestic Violence. Coming through a violent childhood, then recreating parts of that in my adult life, I could identify with each of your scenarios. Today I not only consider who the bad guys [or gals] are, but the layers and layers of reasons why these things happen. You touch on many of them here. Leslie http://www.authenticimperfection.wordpress.com